This weeks featured funny quotations:
No, please don't eat me. I have
a wife and kids, eat them.
Homer Simson Funny Quote
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna
do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and
when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Homer Simson Funny Quote
I wonder where Bart is, his
dinner's getting all cold... and eaten.
Homer Simson Funny Quote
Press any key to continue,
where's the any key?
Homer Simson Funny Quote
Oh, man! We killed Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!
Homer Simson Funny Quote
In married life three is
company and two none.
From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
I have nothing to declare
except my genuis.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is
not being talked about.
From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good
than to be ugly.
From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
To lose one parent may be
regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
I can resist everything except temptation.
From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the
people.
From 'Sebastian Melmoth' 1891.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in
full pursuit of the uneatable.
From 'A Woman of No Importance' 1893.
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotation
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen Funny Quote
Love is the answer - but while
you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen Funny Quote
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it
through not dying.
Woody Allen Funny Quote
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed,
sold me this watch.
Woody Allen Funny Quote
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen Funny Quote
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen Funny Quote
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five,
it's fantastic.
Woody Allen Funny Quote
It was a perfect marriage. She
didn't want to and he couldn't.
Spike Milligan Humour Quote
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought,
why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan Humour Quote
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad
eyesight and thought it was his wife.
Spike Milligan Humour Quote
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan Humour Quote
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan Humour Quote
My mother was like a sister to
me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips Weird Quotes
I go from stool to stool in
singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of
them.
Emo Philips Weird Quotes
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips Weird Quotes
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips Weird Quotes
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to
forgive me.
Emo Philips Weird Quotes
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to
my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the
top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips Weird Quotes
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
good money for in later life.
Emo Philips Weird Quotes
This weeks featured funny poems:
A City Plum by Christina
Rossetti
A city plum is not a plum;
A dumb-bell is no bell, though dumb;
A party rat is not a rat;
A sailor's cat is not a cat;
A soldier's frog is not a frog;
A captain's log is not a log.
Tae an American Tourist
by Stuart McLean (From No' Rabbie Burns)
O, ye came across frae Texas,
Tae the land where yer faither wis born,
O, there wis an awfy lot tae see,
And ye only had one morn’.
At 6 o’clock ye did Edinbro,
Saw the castle from afar,
By 7 o’clock ye wis at Lock Ness,
Tae catch Nessie in a jar.
From eight till nine ye did Bern Nevis,
Though ye didnae climb sae high,
And twenty minutes later ye were,
Whizzin’ all around Sky.
Quickly you passed through Dondee,
Pearth, Hawich and Arderseer,
Which left ye just ten minutes,
Tae buy yer souvenir.
O, haste ye back tae Bonnie Scotland,
Please come back again,
O, haste ye back tae Bonnie Scotland,
And haste ye away again.
Frog and Toad by
Christina Rossetti
Hopping frog, hop here and be seen,
I'll not pelt you with stick or stone:
Your cap is laced and your coat is green;
Good bye, we'll let each other alone.
Plodding toad, plod here and be looked at,
You the finger of scorn is crooked at:
But though you're lumpish, you're harmless too;
You won't hurt me, and I won't hurt you.
The Dragon of Grindly
Grun by Shel Silverstein
I'm the Dragon of Grindly Grun,
I breathe fire as hot as the sun.
When a knight comes to fight
I just toast him on sight,
Like a hot crispy cinnamon bun.
When I see a fair damsel go by,
I just sigh a fiery sigh,
And she'd baked like a 'tater-
I think of her later
With a romantic tear in my eye.
I'm the Dragon of Grindly Grun,
But my lunches aren't very much fun,
For I like my damsels medium rare,
and they always come out well done.
Target Practice by
Stuart McLean (From No' Rabbie Burns)
Ah've jist shot my mither,
Noo that may seem strange,
But Ah'd jist bought a gun,
And she wis in range.
A Warning on Spontaneous Combustion by Stuart McLean (From No' Rabbie Burns)
O whisky is the king of drinks,
Renowned the world o’er,
But here’s a word o’ caution,
Tae think of when ye pour.
There’s a certain combination,
That tastes so very good,
But when it hits your tummy,
And mixes with your food.
That’s when the trouble starts,
For yer pleasure hits overload,
And half an hour later,
Ye’ll suddenly explode.
So there ye are in the pub,
Completely engulfed in flames,
And yer good wife’s dashing home,
Tae lodge insurance claims.
Well now that I have told ye,
Don’t say ye’ve no’ been warned,
So don’t try it oot yersel’,
Or ye’ll soon be bein’ mourned.
The Hippopotamus by T.
S. Eliot
Similiter et omnes revereantur Diaconos, ut
mandatum Jesu Christi; et Episcopum, ut Jesum
Christum, existentem filium Patris; Presbyteros
autem, ut concilium Dei et conjunctionem
Apostolorum. Sine his Ecclesia non vocatur; de
quibus suadeo vos sic habeo.
S. IGNATII AD TRALLIANOS.
And when this epistle is read among you, cause
that it be read also in the church of the
Laodiceans.
The broad-backed hippopotamus
Rests on his belly in the mud;
Although he seems so firm to us
He is merely flesh and blood.
Flesh-and-blood is weak and frail,
Susceptible to nervous shock;
While the True Church can never fail
For it is based upon a rock.
The hippo's feeble steps may err
In compassing material ends,
While the True Church need never stir
To gather in its dividends.
The 'potamus can never reach
The mango on the mango-tree;
But fruits of pomegranate and peach
Refresh the Church from over sea.
At mating time the hippo's voice
Betrays inliexions hoarse and odd,
But every week we hear rejoice
The Church, at being one with God.
The hippopotamus's day
Is passed in sleep; at night he hunts;
God works in a mysterious way-
The Church can sleep and feed at once.
I saw the 'potamus take wing
Ascending from the damp savannas,
And quiring angels round him sing
The praise of God, in loud hosannas.
Blood of the Lamb shall wash him clean
And him shall heavenly arms enfold,
Among the saints he shall be seen
Performing on a harp of gold.
He shall be washed as white as snow,
By all the martyr'd virgins kiss,
While the True Church remains below
Wrapt in the old miasmal mist.
The Henpecked Husband by
Robert Burns
Curs'd be the man, the poorest wretch in life,
The crouching vassal to a tyrant wife!
Who has no will but by her high permission,
Who has not sixpence but in her possession;
Who must to he, his dear friend's secrets tell,
Who dreads a curtain lecture worse than hell.
Were such the wife had fallen to my part,
I'd break her spirit or I'd break her heart;
I'd charm her with the magic of a switch,
I'd kiss her maids, and kick the perverse bitch.
Divination By A Daffodil
by Robert Herrick
When a daffodil I see,
Hanging down his head towards me,
Guess I may what I must be:
First, I shall decline my head;
Secondly, I shall be dead;
Lastly, safely buried.
Messy Room by Shel
Silverstein
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
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Funny Quotes and Poems
Funny Quotes and Poems
Funny Quotes and Poems
